Insomnia

Waking at 3 a.m. and not immediately falling back to sleep is becoming all too familiar. At first, I'd get upset about this but that only makes sleep more alusive. Lately, I'm almost welcoming this and trying to go with the flow, accepting its just a part of my life. Once you do that, this alone time takes on another reality. It becomes precious, a gift, a time to reflect ... so get up and make a cup of sleepy time tea, read, write...enjoy. How often do we get a gift of time? The quiet and solitude of being alone with your thoughts coupled with the knowledge that you are not really alone...those you love are with you and merely a few rooms away sleeping. This is a very different alone, its space, a time for me and I've had years of the other so I know what I'm talking about!

I lay there for a bit...listening to Ray's breathing, envious of his ability to sleep through the night, then reflective and grateful for the sound of his light snoring even! (See? I'm fraking losing it...)Sometimes I think God comes to me in those wee hours. The feeling of all is good in the world is that strong. When I was younger, I'd think of all that could go wrong and become fearful, almost in panic attack mode. So some good does come with age...faith is one of them. And the knowledge that whatever happens, I pretty much can handle it. Things are less black and white, the world is softer if you will. I'm not saying loss is painless. But I know that plans come, plans change, perceived disasters strike, maybe friends let you down, maybe someone deliberately hurts you by lying or cheating, maybe you learn a love is not returned. But none of it matters. You matter. Who you are, what you say, how you behave, how you react...that is all that matters! As long as you like yourself, that you stay true to yourself...others don't matter, they can't hurt you. They can disappoint you, but what can you do about their behavior?? Not a freaking thing! ! I remember searching for God, wanting my religion back, when going through a divorce once. I knew then as I know now, that its inner peace and God's light that saves us.

Without coming off as a modern day Pollyanna, if you can do that, change your perspective and really accept something you didn't really want or foresee...love yourself and absolve yourself of any blame in an other's wrong doing...turn whatever it is around and embrace it...it'll change your life. We are exactly where we are meant to be. Moping for another outcome is a waste of time...and we don't get time back, we don't get today, this very hour, back.




So my thoughts ramble at these 3 a.m. sessions...I'm grateful for a warm bed, a wonderful family and a host of fabulous friends. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to steal a couple hours sleep as the grey light of an early winter morning announces a new day.